6 Terrible Simulator Games That Will Make You Want to Actually Go Outside

In case you’ve been living under a rock and haven't noticed, simulators have become all the rage lately. For example, with a grass simulator and rock simulator recently announced, you can now virtually simulate hiding under that rock of yours. But that's only the beginning. The depths of simulator madness go far, far deeper.

Look at that. That’s the first page on Steam search results for the word "simulator." There’s multiple pages of this nonsense including, but not limited to, Airport Simulator, Farming Simulator, and Goat Simulator.

It’s disturbing to think that for every single one of these games, there was a meeting where actual developers had to discuss how to design a virtual forklift experience, or the best control scheme for turning a wrench as a car mechanic, or whether or not the world needs another Euro Truck Simulator (it does apparently).

So I have taken it upon myself to undertake the dark journey of venturing through the interwebts to find some of the most mundane and/or bizarre simulator experiences available, and here are my results.

Train Simulator

Okay sure, a train simulator isn't actually that weird, and I can see the appeal. You get to toot your little heart out and chase whatever caboose you choose to ride on. Many of us do the same thing at bars, anyways.

It's also true that train simulation may not be a shared passion for all of us. For some, however, it could be relaxing and visually enjoyable to sit down, load up that train simulator, and watch a beautiful pixelated sunset go by while spending $4,000 in real-life money.

Wait, $4,000? Who was this made for, Bruce Wayne? I don’t know what demographic this game is aiming for, but I suppose there just has to be some poor, lonely old man somewhere waiting for the next DLC pack.

Hatoful Boyfriend

The world of dating sims is… very Japanese, if you know what I’m saying. I know that there are so many games that meet the, "Oh my God, why?" level of insanity, but there is one that is mystifying to me above all others. That game is Hatoful Boyfriend. Dating Sims have allowed us to court everything from dinosaurs to blobs to cricket-women, but Hatoful is on an entirely new level.

Set in the futuristic St. PigeoNation Institute where the majority of humans have caught a strain of the avian bird flu that turns them into birds (you read that right), you are a human girl that is quite the catch (hehe, bird pun). You have your choice of all the birds essentially, and you must choose which one to end up with, be it the murderous doctor bird or one of the sweeter pigeons.

Now that's a sentence I never thought I would have to type out in my life.

Toilet Tycoon

I can see being a tycoon with many things. Roller coasters? Yes! Railroads? Perhaps. Toilets? Wait, what? No.

But there it is.  And look at that cover. As if the brown liquid wasn’t enough to make you gag, it boasts the tagline, "Do you have what it takes to be a Toilet Tycoon?" Which begs the response, "Do I want to?"

It screams it in that delightful red that makes you think it’s a fun adventure, like opening up an ice cream shop, or doing literally anything that isn’t selling virtual toilets and cleaning up after stupid virtual people who virtually misuse them.

But hey, maybe the graphics are enough to redeem this title, right?

Never mind. I might as well just actually simulate using a toilet.

(Continued on Page 2)

Dave Ramos's picture
I'm a writer and an awesome person in general. Follow me on twitter @don_rolan.
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