Spring Break Forever, Bitches! [Editorial]

Silly me, I thought Magic Mike had already explored the comings and goings of Florida’s esteemed nightlife professionals!  Well color me wrong, because the recently released trailer for Spring Breakers makes Channing and his friends look like trust fund kids summering on The Cape.

I’m talking guns, bad bleach blondes, Caucasian gangsters with corn-rolls-- all this flick needs is some whippids or a Hogan and you’d have The Sunshine State’s new official tourism promo video.   In fact, we haven’t seen this much reppin’ for Florida since Timberlake went solo, moved out of Orlando, and began claiming that he was from Memphis.

Soderbergh, you must be extremely jealous of Harmony Korrine.  Despite your copious talent, you just couldn’t fully capture the essence of hotspots like Tampa or Daytona in March.  Yes, your film had jet ski’s, strippers, and white guys doing hip-hop dancing, but did it look like a late 90’s Hype Williams music video?  I think not! 

As Spring Breakers demonstrates, a movie cannot truly capture mirth and merriment Florida-style without the signature color and tint of hip-hop’s most prolific director. Luckily, I think they were going for a white trash version of Belly.

Though clearly, Spring Breakers doesn’t just have any white trash, it has breakthrough indie icon, Mr. James Franco.  After becoming the butt of every Hollywood joke for his anemic Oscar hosting gig, he has since dedicated himself to single-handedly examining more aspects of gay culture than Harvey Fierstein.  Apparently though, Franco’s back and he’s ready to fuck some shit up.

Actually, he’s got a grill, a Dirty South mentality, and he looks like one of Jesse’s crew on Breaking Bad.  Though Franco is always entertaining when playing someone completely different from  his actual self.  Remember Pineapple Express?  Sidebar- Am I the only one psyched for Oz, the Great and Powerful?

As for this pic, who knows?  We are talking Harmony Korrine, here.  I’m not saying that the director of Spring Breakers has built a career based on cheap shocks.   Kids was an interesting, game-changing film.  I just think that anyone who has such a pessimistic view of teenagers and how they behave should be teaching Catholic High School, not constantly making films about them.

And it’s with this faith in the overwhelmingly decent spirit of teenagers, that Korrine examines how sluts in Florida get sluttier while robbing shit, and doing drugs, in slutty bikinis.  Though, if this directing effort is half as entertaining as his Letterman interviews throughout the years, we got ourselves a profitable picture here!

Clearly, Harmony means business. In an effort to avoid too much distracting authenticity, no Hogan nor member of Dog the bounty Hunter’s family was cast in the film.  Instead, Selena Gomez, Pretty Little Liars- Ashley Benson, and of course, the original Little Girl Lost of the High School Musical crowd, Vanessa Hudgens, show you that they are grown-up women who can flash a little bush and nip like any serious actress.

Though at least now, I have a point of reference for these girls that’s a bit manlier.  I must say, referring to Selena as Mrs. Beiber and Hudgens as the girl from Beastly wasn’t exactly helping my street cred.  I honestly wish all the actresses well, it’s just funny that in Hollywood, good acting doesn’t prove one’s ability to be an adult film star as much as nudity and a serious drug scene.

Needless to say, Spring Breakers looks to be at best, a fun and silly raunch-fest set in the Sunshine State, and at worst an over-earnest glimpse into “true life”, full of cringe-worthy just-for-shock-value moments and a lot of bad teeth!  I’m hoping for Wild Things, but preparing myself for Bully.

 

 

P.S.  Nice to see you, Gucci Mane!  Don’t think I’ve heard from you since the remix with Mariah.  Then again, I also referenced the movie, Beastly just minutes ago so I’m not exactly the demographic you’ve been desperate to reach.

 

 

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